Addressing Church Hurt

This post has been sitting in my drafts for just about as long as I’ve had this blog (almost a year). I never imagined actually sharing this one…or relating to it in a much greater degree than I ever imagined. As I read my writing back to myself, I see the Holy Spirit’s words encouraging me through this season. Out of obedience to God, it’s time to share this story.

If you’re reading this post on the morning it publishes, chances are, you’re not at church. I decided to adjust my writing schedule, just so we can process through this topic together. If you’ve been hurt by your church, sit with me. Maybe as I share my story, we can walk out of this time stronger and more united as the body of Christ.

I feel so very hurt by my church…the one I’ve been attending for 8 years. The building I’ve called my “home church” for 16 years (the majority of my life). What do you do when the church doesn’t support you in the way you need or deserve?

I held firmly onto my faith while using my gifts, talents, and availability to honor the Lord. Serving became my lifestyle. Giving became a priority in my budget. This specific church community became my lifeline. But I’m now seeing the flawed ways of imperfect human leadership.

I still love this community. I’m still a part of the larger church at a different location. I just despise the sin that is bringing it down.

If you’re invested in a church, chances are you know exactly what I’m explaining. A former pastor once told my family, “It’s not the people of this world that will hurt you the most. It’s the Christians that will.” I think that’s because we hold our brothers and sisters in Christ to this high biblical standard, sometimes forgetting that we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). 

We don’t have to justify or make sense of the pain. But when we acknowledge that it exists, we can act on it and seek to make things better. This is me, admitting I’ve been hurt by the church. And as I prayerfully consider writing this post, this is what God is calling me to do:

1. Pray

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” - Matthew 6:33 (ESV)

Seek God above what you feel and desire. Talk to God and listen for his voice before telling another person your thoughts. Pray for direction. Attach Scripture to your prayers, making sure they are aligned with God’s will and desire for you. If you need help getting started, here are some of my prayer points, both for leadership and myself:

• Godly wisdom and discernment (James 1:5, Philippians 1:9-10)
  • How to respond to these issues
  • What the next steps are
• Seeking to listen and understand before reacting (James 1:19)
  • In whatever meetings or conversations will come
• Humility in place of pride (1 Peter 5:5)
  • Emptying of ourselves instead of seeking to promote self-image or a brand
• God’s will to be done in his church (Matthew 6:10)
  • And for contentment in whatever that looks like
• To live out biblical forgiveness (Matthew 6:14-15, Colossians 3:13)
  • Help forgiving my church leaders
  • Help not holding onto resentment
• To love those who hurt me, as they are still my brothers and sisters in Christ (Matthew 5:44)

2. Forgive

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."  - Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

In this verse, we are called to forgive. Not to forget. Not to retaliate or seek revenge. Not to reconcile in the same way as before. But to forgive, to cross out and let go of the wrongs. I need this for my own heart. And whatever triggers may come, I’m willing to walk through the forgiveness process.

Lysa TerKeurst puts is best in her book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: “Forgiveness is both a decision and a process. You make the decision to forgive the facts of what happened. But then you must also walk through the process of forgiveness for the impact those facts have had on you.” (p. 45) Forgiveness is a multi-faceted, multi-layered process that helps us heal. It’s hard, but it’s possible because Jesus forgave us for our sins that nailed him to the cross. While I decided to forgive the facts, I’m working on the process of forgiving the impact.

Without going into details or listing everything, these are some of the reasons I choose to forgive:

• I forgive the leaders that don’t see how their ways enable unbiblical behaviors.
• I forgive the leaders that betrayed me and broke my trust. 
• I forgive the leaders who did not support me when I needed them the most.
• I forgive the leaders that showed partiality.
• I forgive the leaders that couldn’t see beyond their perspective to do what was biblical in tough situations.  
• I forgive the leaders who made assumptions without trying to understand a situation.
• I forgive the leaders who lied about me and my character, when I never did anything wrong or hurtful to them.

3. Seek wise counsel

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." - Matthew 18:15-17 (ESV)

This step is also a part of the membership covenant I have with my church. I don’t sweep issues under the rug or hold onto anger; I make it a priority to address the hurt I feel with the offender (Ephesians 4:26). I follow Jesus’s commands in Matthew 18, which outline the steps to handling a confrontation. If it’s a conflict with one person, I address it with them privately (v. 15). I pray with them and for them. I don’t draw attention to it publicly. I may ask a mentor for advice on how to approach the topic.

If needed, I invite a couple other trusted individuals to mediate and advise (v. 16). They are that wise, unbiased counsel. They listen to the conversation, point out where each of us is right or wrong, and provide biblical wisdom on how to accept the past and move forward in a spiritually healthy way. Whether or not the issue is resolved, they keep the conversation focused on the kingdom of God.

The last step is to bring it to the church (v. 17). Commentaries state that the “church” in this context has many interpretations. (This is reassuring, especially if the hurt happened in the church.) Jesus might have meant to address the issue with the church leadership. He might have implied the church congregation. Either way, he gives permission for us to invite others into this conflict to resolve it. If the offender refuses to change or reconcile, Jesus says to regard them “as a Gentile and a tax collector,” meaning we no longer maintain contact or commune with them (v. 17). It may seem extreme and hurtful to cut someone off completely, even a church, but at this point, one has already sought to reconcile and repair what was broken in many ways. This step helps us maintain our peace. It helps us love our brothers and sisters in Christ, even when we disagree.

I seek to listen and understand. I seek to gain perspective and make things right. Any time I’ve carried an offense or felt weighed down by confusion, I’d take it up with the appropriate person, and sometimes a trusted individual or two, in a kind and respectful way. We are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), so that is how I respond to my hurt.

4. Move forward

So what’s your next step? Maybe you decide to address the issue with individuals and wise counsel. Maybe you write a letter to the leadership to give clarity and get closure. Or perhaps you ask for a trusted friend outside of the situation to give you guidance. Even if they don’t like what you say or suggest, they can give a birds-eye view of a situation you’re too close to. Maybe you set firmer boundaries and stay at the church or you leave completely. As you proceed to handle the hurt, don’t seek attention; seek to do what is right. 

For me and my situation, I opened up to a couple of trusted friends and a central church leader for validation and support. I’ve prayed about how to settle this hurt and, at this time, I have decided not to reconcile with those who offended me. I’m healing in a better environment with strong boundaries. While I’m at the same church, I committed to a different campus and it made all the difference. I forgive and am working on letting God settle what I can’t. His justice is better than anything I could ever attempt. I’m praying for accountability, but remembering that my God goes before me; He is the One who protects me and has the final say.

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As I process my story, I remember that God’s church isn’t about a brand or a title. It’s not about an institution or a building. It’s all about Jesus. It’s about the body of Christ uniting to advance the kingdom of God. So often, our churches become a platform for people over serving the Lord. As one person, we can’t change a whole system. Instead, it’s up to us to set appropriate boundaries and do what is needed for ourselves and our own health. We can’t change the system, but we can change how we lead.

My heart breaks. It’s been a progression, not just a single event that brings me here. I know that, in this season, God is still with me and for me, even when others aren’t. He’s holding my hand and walking with me through it. I may not deserve this hurt. But I also don’t deserve the grace of God, which carries me. 

This world is broken, desperately crying out for Jesus to put all the shattered pieces back together. We’re all fragile and broken, like little glass pieces. If someone brushes up against one of our sharp edges, they get cut. We wound them, whether or not we want to, just because we are broken. But if handled gently, we can be used for a bigger purpose. That’s what an artist does to form a mosaic. They take the broken pieces of one thing and put them together to form something greater. They refine our rough edges to be soft and smooth. They put us where they see fit. And in the end, you have this beautiful display of art.

That’s what Jesus does with us. We’re rough around the edges, but he softens those places to make us usable. He heals our hearts and our sharp edges. He doesn’t leave us untouched or alone. He invites us to be a part of something bigger, a greater depiction of his love. He places us in the right spot. And every piece has a place. When you zoom in, you see each individual. As you get a broader view, you see the whole picture: the kingdom of God, the body of Christ. We may see the sharp edges and imperfections. Jesus sees the restored, perfect pieces to use…the individuals that form the church, his church.

People have limited capacities and mindsets. The church can only do so much on its own. It’s only Jesus who can take our messes and turn them into a mosaic.

And while the church is the body of Christ, it’s not restricted to an isolated building or denomination. The church is far beyond that. Any servant of Jesus is a part of the church, and together, we all make up the body of Christ. Even if you don’t know what the next step is – I’m not sure what I want and need – know that God is with you in every step. Don’t give up on community because we’re called to it (Hebrews 10:24-25). We’re all imperfect people, doing our best to stand united in faith.

Reflection: Church hurt is a difficult topic that we often avoid discussing. I’m grateful that my lead pastor brought it up in a sermon recently. Nobody is immune to brokenness or hurt, especially the church.

1. What has been your experience with church conflict or hurt? How did you handle the situation?
2. If you can relate to this topic, how can we be praying for your healing together?

Share your story in the comments below, or if you would prefer, send me a personal message!

References: TerKeurst, Lysa. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. Thomas Nelson, 2020.