1 Year (The Inevitable)

"but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31 (ESV)

My counselor warned me to brace myself. This is the time when trauma can hit hard, no matter how much healing a person has done. The familiarity of the date, season, places, and memories can trigger the pain that was dealt with already. I picture a carefully wrapped present with a pretty, sparkly bow on top. The gift of being whole and new looks so beautiful until the bow unravels just like the healing that is undone. The gift wrap rips off without care, bringing to light the wounds that were patched up and processed. My mind automatically jumps back to all the times I didn’t think the pain would ever end, to the times I didn’t know if I’d make it.

When I take the time to process it – all the damage, the decisions, the discoveries – I see it differently. I don’t see the hurt and wounds in the same light. They are covered in God’s compassion. Where there was pain, I see His provision. God gave me the right people and places to support me in His perfect timing. 

I see changes in myself and how I handle tough situations. I see someone who became bolder, wiser, and stronger. And I appreciate God’s intentionality in saying “no” to prayers I demanded a “yes” for. If I had my way, I’d be hurting infinitely much more than I did this year.

I look back and notice things I never would have known if circumstances stayed the same.

• I thank God for seeing, knowing, and doing what I couldn’t.

• I thank God for the serene spot in this picture. When I sat there for the first time, I recorded a video thinking “I’m going to need to remember this when things get hard someday,” completely naive and unaware that chaos would erupt only a few days later.

• I thank God for cutting off the things that were toxic to me, especially when I didn’t see how bad those things really were.

• I thank God for answering that one “ridiculous” prayer I asked about my writing last November. The one that resulted in this blog and book ideas I’m praying and preparing.

• I thank God for answering the prayer I made about stepping further into women’s ministry.

• I thank God for redeeming the hurt and using my story to walk alongside others in similar situations.

I didn’t need circumstances to go the way I wanted. What I needed was divine protection. I grieved the losses, but I rejoiced in the growth and changes that grew me.

For a while, I struggled with overthinking. I’ve decided to reject those detailed flashbacks when they come to mind. Even if I have to do that 100 times in a day, I choose not to relive those experiences. Instead, I plant myself in the garden of God’s grace. I renew my mind with His word. I surrender everything to Him in transparency. He already knows my heart. He just wants to hear my voice, as I also long to hear His.

Isaiah 40:31 mentions that “those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.” (ESV) It’s a clear promise. The verse doesn’t proclaim “those who wait for clarity or for circumstances to change become stronger.” Waiting on the Lord is to decide to surrender. It’s choosing to walk through His process in obedience. It’s to have confidence in knowing I’m never alone and I’m not in control. And when we agree to it, the Lord rewards our release. He gives us His presence and peace, His protection and provision. He fights for us and works in ways we may never know. Friend, we must choose to give up our ways and remain with the Lord.  Our strength comes from Him alone.

As for where I’m at now, I’ve decided to stay close to God and abandon my past. I plant myself in the garden of God’s grace and remain rooted in the identity He has given me. I abide in the Lord because my strength comes from Him. I stay close to Him, not my past, because He holds my future. 

I think back to what my counselor said. And ironically, I haven’t felt more joyful or whole in the past year as I do now. Thank You, Lord.