To Save My Life

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” – Luke 9:23-24 (ESV)

A few months ago I wrote about a 90-day challenge my church organized. I had no desire to participate, until the Lord convicted me to use this time to be more intentional. I didn’t follow their specific plan; I did as the Lord asked of me personally. (Read that post here.)

My goal wasn’t like a normal fast where I’d give up social media or food. It was one where I’d surrender my overthinking, my schedule, and my exhaustion to God. I came to Him depleted from the post-pandemic pressures of society, wanting to be refreshed. If anything, I’d surrender my desires to the Lord in a greater capacity…meaning, I’d stop taking back the things I left in His hands. Taking control is not my responsibility, and somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that.

Yes, the world was still difficult, but I found new strength in overcoming old habits. I developed a sharper awareness of when I’d pursue the wrong things or have the wrong motivations…and I’d stop myself. Like when I wanted to stay up late to binge watch a show instead of doing my daily Bible time. Or when I’d overthink the past to try and make sense of answers I still don’t have. Or when I’d mentally run through every possible scenario before anything came to pass. I needed God to intervene, because on my own, I was too caught up in my own desires. And the more I invited him into my struggle, the more I was able to find victory. This challenge was indeed a challenge, and it left me with many realizations.

1. I am called to take my thoughts captive

The reality is…it can be really hard to take your thoughts captive (2 Cor 12:5; Romans 12:2). One of my main goals was to have a healthier mindset, which entailed renewing my mind. It meant I had to isolate and analyze a thought – not to overthink it, but to act on it. I had a choice to toss it away or entertain every thought, some of which are not godly. I learned to reframe the negative thoughts with biblical truth and realistic expectations of myself. For example, when I felt inadequate from a rejection, I transformed the thought to be “I was not the right person for that position, but God has called and chosen me for great things. This opportunity and timing were just not it.”

2. There’s a difference between accepting God’s ways (compliance) and trusting in His plans (character).

I originally wrote that I would “not question what He’s doing”, but I realized that this wasn’t healthy. Mere compliance isn’t what God wants of his people. Yes, he wants us to accept his ways. But if we don’t trust him, we don’t actively participate in the process he has for us. We can’t be honest without trusting his character – his faithfulness, his compassion, his kindness.

And our questions reflect our trust in God’s plan and in his goodness for us. Sometimes our questions fuel our faith. Other times they provide an opportunity for God to answer us in a new way. It’s not that questions are a bad thing; we do need to be honest with the Lord. It’s just that we cannot let our questions and expectations keep us from fully surrendering to God. We can ask questions; it’s what we do with the answers that matters.

I dealt a lot with anger, especially toward some injustices I witnessed. I asked God a lot of questions. I gave him my most sincere prayers. And, even though I didn’t agree with what was going on, I surrendered and saw God work in those situations. I surrendered my emotions, no matter what they were; they indicated how I felt, while God comforted and pursued me through them all. Only he gives me my identity and calling, not my emotions or actions.

I now have an increased confidence in God’s promises and in his abilities. Even when God doesn’t work as I’d expect, I trust him to do what is best for me. Instead of having to give up my wants, I choose to give up my desires. I know his ways are better. I trust him and his timing more than I did a few months ago.

3. God will give new revelations and new perspectives at the right time.

During this time, I allowed God to reveal things and protect me, even in painful circumstances. I finally saw why God kept that person around for so long, even though I prayed for months that they’d leave. It was not to harm me, but to show me why he had to end that seemingly perfect relationship. It was to protect me, to show me the narcissistic tendencies and the shady behaviors, and to help me see that I deserve better. It was to show that I don’t need to look to another flawed human for any sort of status or contentment when I have Jesus, who never fails me. It was He who showed me the blessings that came with every loss, even if it wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t get why I went through two gyms closing, but I’m in a new community where my trainers are also on staff at my church. And even for the things I still don’t have answers to, I trust that God removed any distractions that kept me from him.

4. Never underestimate strategies that foster accountability.

If I’m purely honest, though, it wasn’t as joyful of a journey as it sounds. My motivation fluctuated many times. My desire to control and overthink was an obstacle that kept me up at night, tempted to believe lies that tried to disguise themselves as truth. I’m grateful to have had accountability strategies, like the daily text from my church, the verse of the day, writing daily prayers, and having a couple friends support me. I’ll be honest in saying that sometimes it wasn’t enough. I needed to want the change. I had to actively participate in this process in order for God to do his work, too.

The problems I faced 90 days ago have little to nothing on me now. I still have troubles and the issues didn’t somehow fully resolve and dissolve. When I wake up, my world is still far from perfect and new problems seem to emerge daily. But how I handle this reality is different because I encountered the Lord in a new way. I’m more concerned with what he’s doing than what I want to see happen. I’m still praying honest prayers, while letting God be God.

As I exit this 90-day challenge, I’m in the midst of a season where I have fewer contracts and obligations. And I’m okay with that. I know God will use my availability for bigger things. It can be intimidating, but I am confident that God is leading me through.

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Going back to the key verse I chose for this 90-Day Challenge, I want to take another look at the motivation behind this initiative.

“And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” – Luke 9:23-24 (ESV)

I titled the first post “Intentionally Losing My Life” because of Jesus’s words combined with my intentionality. Jesus says, “For whoever would save his life will lose it” (v. 24).  I was choosing to obey and that was my declaration. But why?

The obvious answer is found in the later part of verse 24: “but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” I chose humility and losing my life, with an eternal mindset. I wanted to save my life. If I kept up with things as they were, I’d gain more of myself. I’m so grateful that God filled in those spaces, every void that I never could.

In reflection, I realized there are so many implications of this verse. Without getting into terminology, this is what it looked like for me:

Intentionally losing my life…to save my life.

Intentionally losing my life…to follow Christ without compromise.

Intentionally losing my life…to stop trying to prove my worth.

Intentionally losing my life…for Christ to be glorified.

Intentionally losing my life…to loosen the grip the world had on me.

When I did lose my life, my circumstances didn’t seem to change for the better. At least not immediately. In some ways, it felt like things were only getting worse. But God changed my heart. I learned to rest in his ways and his presence because He is better. I practiced trusting God, even when I couldn’t see what was next. That kind of trust depended on his character alone – knowing he is consistent and faithful – and not my own abilities. I trusted that he will come through in a better way than before, and even though I don’t see that fulfillment yet, I know it will happen.

Moving forward, I will continue to be intentional. I will still focus on the Lord and less  on other things. The habits I developed here will only lead to further growth moving forward.

Reflect:

Did you participate in a 90-Day Challenge yourself? If so, let me know how it went by messaging me or commenting below!

Are you interested in starting a 90-Day Challenge? Use my checklist here to help you keep track!